My life

Last entry

2008-04-06T15:22:44Z

Last entry for my live journal, will be shifting my blog else where.

1.5 years from now

2008-04-02T14:34:11Z

1.5 year from now is what I`m giving myself. Look likes a long time from the present but if you take away, the hours at work, traveling, commitments, etc.. There isn't much time left to do something personal, hence now need to get my priorities right.

So my friends, if I have neglected you, please forgive me.. And for the last few months, I have caused so much worries to you...

Watched an old movie few days ago... One of the statement said "its all a game, the day we know each other well, its also the day we spilt "

Giving up

2008-03-11T13:48:03Z

生命中多选择，而我选择放弃求生的斗志。。。

Life is full of choices, and sometime you need to give up something in order to have something in return
I'm choosing to give up life, not as in dying on the spot
Just tired and I gave up....

Life

2008-03-09T14:08:18Z

Suddenly I realised that my life is falling apart, and finally I knowledge it. And when for a run after so many months, I just ran and ran...with the beat of the music… and putting behind the tired mind and emotional baggage for a while

Life is like running, when you are out of breath; you run slower to catch it before continuing.

Life is like walking the longest staircase where you can’t see the end, when you are tired, you take a break.

Life is doing both events alone, no one is able to run for me and climb the stair for me. Good friends are there, but ultimately I should run and climb on my own path of life.

Top 10 methods to attempt suicide

2008-03-04T12:01:28Z

I happened to chance upon this site, “Top 10 common methods of suicide”

10. Drowning

9. Electric Shock

8. Exsanguinations

7. Jumping

6. Suffocation

5. Carbon Monoxide Inhalation

4. Poisoning

3. Hanging

2. Drug / Alcohol Overdose

1. Gun shot

Interesting site but the pity some methods is quite useless

10. I know how to swim, and scare of what beneath the sea

9. A little electricity coming from a relaxing machine, was screaming my lung out

8. Exsanguniation, interesting, but it would be painful to cut cross the wrist

7. Have fear of height

6. Suffocation, unless someone do it for me

5. Carbon Monoxide Inhalation, that a good one, now anyone got a car?

4. Poisoning, drinking something like industrial chemical sure to throw out everything

3. Hanging, the neck will break, I don’t want to die with a broken neck

1. Gun shot, how to get a gun in Singapore, unless you rob the cop!

2. Drug /Alcohol overdose.. that a pretty neat one..

And my choice is 2, now the question is how to make it like an accidental death and insurance will pay out?

Tired

2008-02-29T16:07:24Z

I’m tired emotionally… I need a long break.

A break that I can be peacefully asleep without terrible dreams.

A break that I can leave behind all my worries and burdens.

A break that I can do not have to think but to relax

A break that I can do without worrying other people feelings

A break that I can re-charge myself

Or
Maybe

A long break that I can be peacefully asleep without waking up again to face the world. Then I will not have terrible dreams, think of other people feelings, all my worries and burdens will be left behind. I do not even have to think, relax or even re-charge myself.

Crying Part 2

2008-02-24T18:02:25Z

As mentioned in my previous entry, crying is a tired matter… try crying when you are when you are drunk! It’s exhausting… !

Crying

2008-02-21T14:00:40Z

Crying is a very tired matter, I mean as in physically exhausted. Vowed should not do that again! That's why God make man don't cry easily...

Truth

2008-02-14T13:38:02Z

Which will upset you most? Finding out the truth or truth directly from the person?

Thinking

2008-01-22T16:41:58Z

These days while traveling on the public transport to work or back home, I can’t help stealing a look at the people in it.

Thinking what are they worrying about and thinking about, how I wish I have to power to read the mind of a human being.

Thoughts

2008-01-21T16:13:26Z

Let’s said one day you realised that if you could only live for a certain years, what will you do?

A new me

2008-01-19T03:42:43Z

The reservist has finally ended, this was one of the most relaxing in-camp training I ever had. Basically we woke up, eat, sleep, eat, sleep more and eat! At least I learnt something from it, playing PSP! Haha… now the question is that should I get one myself or maybe hint hint to family members and friends that I want that as a birthday present…

I also got a medal for 5 years good service award.

Beginning of the year, I was feeling rather down than depressed. However, something in life has really changed me. From now onwards, I will be thinking positive and be more cheerful. And also emotionally I will be stronger and independent, I realised that some people are in need of my support.

Relapse? Maybe..

2008-01-06T14:37:21Z

Relapse of mild depression? Maybe… I think… Not really a good start for a new year, lost weight from 60kg to 56kg.

Hopefully after my reservist, the weight will go back to 60kg. And also I have quitted my gym membership today. Officially end date will be in March.

Recap of Year 2007

2007-12-26T15:39:24Z

As year 2007 ending soon, and hello 2008 in approximately in a few days, I guess its time to recap on what has happened on 2007 And it’s going to be a lengthy entry.

General

Year 2007 in general was a good year; It started with meeting up with Robin, Kif, and Jacky (Joseph & Wilson were known later part of the year), clubbing during Chinese New Year Eve, and also ending a 3 month affair (I guess it didn’t survive the 3 month honey moon period so its better to label it as an affair) in February, reason? Differ of personalities… ?!!

Then followed by first tattoo on the chest in March, which was to remind myself that I should adapt a new attitude of “I should not look back”, and not by clinging to the past. At the same month, lost a friend, but not as in the person has died but also over some trivial matters and we have stopped talking.

In April, done my second tattoo on the arm, this was to remind myself that I’m who I’m and should progress in life as what my Chinese name mean “进展”. Sometimes I gone astray.

Did my first sub-paper in May – “Principle of Management”, and grateful that I made it into the 3^rd semester.

July was a party month, started partying like there was no tomorrow, and my first maiden trip to St. James and there was the taking off shirt thingy while dancing on the platform. Wild isn’t it! Guess I have changed. Lost another friend who I have known for 17 years, not as she has died also but due to some heat exchange of SMS (I guess people comes in your life and left you)

Nothing much happened for August and September, but in October, I joined dragonboat, it was truly an experience which I will be continuing next year but not for the competition for sure as was totally disgusted by the way things organized.

At work, those buildings that I was managing were scheduled for re-development by next year. A lot of rages and unhappiness from the tenants since July, as usual, I was the ‘comfort man’ to go around explaining and listening to their grievance.

I did my first voluntarily work with the intelligence disable children in November, organized by my company, hell it was a great experience. And was interviewed by the organizer from the charity, sadly till now have not seen the article yet.

Did my sub papers for my Principle of Marketing and Managerial Accounting, I guess whichever started with “Principle of something, something”, I’m also cursed that I will re-do again. I do not think that I have done well even for the sub-papers, and the chances of re-doing the subjects in next semester are high.

Well, the result will be out on 28 December 07, by then I will have a clearer picture how should I go about. Quitter or Stayer?

Drinking session started on the eve of Hari Raya Haji, after a break for 2 months plus as dragonboat trainings were so tiring that I have stopped drinking and clubbing. And there I was the usual self, drunk, tongue kissed and gone! Haha.. Wild and slutty!

Celebrate Christmas at Joseph’s place with wonderful friends and food, indulge myself with foods and a lot of alcohol again. It was a well spent and relaxing evening. Thank you, Joseph!

Health

Health was average, the usual flu and stomach problem other than that everything seen fine, did 2 blood tests and one full body check up in year 2007.

I realized that after the dengue fever in year 2006, the destructive virus has wrecked the body even after recovery; catching common colds were so “trouble-free” these days.

Stomach problem still persist, but I guess it comes with age. Too oily or spicy, you will find me going to the toilet more than the routine, so I have to forgo my favorite – chicken rice! Stress is also another contributing factor.

The increase and decrease of weight were freaking me out, now I’m weighting 58kg after stop taking the mass-gainer due to the stomach problem. Need to put on weight. Any suggestion is welcome!

Career

Career, should I call it career? Anyway, it was a good year at work, 5 months personal bonus, salary adjustments and promotion in grade, everything was good except the usual ‘political’ atmosphere in the office, which flying daggers and arrows were unavoidable and my back was bleeding without knowing. And my inner beast (meow) was released to “scratch” some managerial level personal and some other staff in this year. (Meow Mewo… hehe)

Wealth

Nothing much but in deficit situation, hopefully next year will be better.

Love

Nothing much also, were dating but didn’t turn out well so have to forgo. I guess after being alone for a while, I started to have phobia towards commitment. Initially it would be nice to be cared and shower with concern, but after a while, I’m going through the ‘breathless’ and ‘withdrawn’ stage that I need my personal space. (One of the symptoms for men in 30s.. I think).

Family & Friends

Family bonding is stronger, and there was improvement on the stained relationship between my old man and myself. Well the old man has changed a lot since Sis got married, and the birth of two nephews.

And there were also the few occasions when mum did hints about marriage and even suggest of meeting up with some nice girls, arrangement by those ‘aunties from market’ and our good neighbor. *Faint* even my relatives from Malaysia who come all the way from Johor did not spare me on that subject. *Double faint*. Well mum knows me well, and will try to avoid this topic but once in a while the hinting will arise.

I also come out the truth to my sister and brother-in-law in January, thanks to that that bloody gossiper from my brother-in-law’s family, which I cursed that he will be fatter and surprising it has come truth. He is getting fatter! Haha… (Evil Laugh)

As for friends, some goes, some come into the life as mentioned under the general section. Thankfully, those come into my life are more than those that I have lost, truly felt disappointed on those friendship for years that have come to an end.

Conclusion

Summarizing the whole year, it was an eventful year and I truly enjoyed it, grateful to my friends, Linda, Robin, Joseph and Andrew, kif, Terence (Japan), Ben Foo(Sydney), Keith (Perth) and Jenny, Thomas and many more.

Thank you for being there when I need you most.

I'm hopeless

2007-12-20T16:14:24Z

I seriously got to be more restrain my behavior when I’m drunk. I did wild things!

Hmmm…let’s see, there was the uncontrollable smiling throughout the night and then there was also the close body contact dancing with person(s) I don’t know.

Someone just appeared from behind and stick to my behind like a magnet and I was like just following the moves of that person(s) with the beat of music.

And last but not least, the tongue kiss at dance floor, must be a real life show for others… gosh.. I’m hopeless…

Need to thanks 5unnym0nk1e, apoptosis_x and Big nie nie Joesph for making it an enjoyable night.

chn1975 @ 2007-12-01T21:17:00

2007-12-01T13:36:42Z

Can’t help thinking that apoptosis_x and Mystique from X-Men look alike! hhehe...

http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j186/chn1975/Presentation1.jpg

Finally its over!

2007-11-28T04:42:41Z

Great, the exam is finally over... 1st paper was bad, 2nd was very bad and 3rd was worst...

I'm such a disappointment this term, well I should not dwell on it too much but prepare for the sub-papers!

To my

2007-11-18T07:50:41Z

To my Father, I’m always the one that argue with him

To my Mother, I’m always the filial son

To my elder sister, I’m always the successful brother

To my brother-in-law, I’m always the one that count on for a listening ears

To my younger brother, I’m always the role model to look upon

To my nephews, I’m always the fierce uncle

To my friends, I will always be there or whenever I can for you

To my bosses, I’m always the good worker

To my colleagues, I’m always the naughty, rebellious yet helpful person

To my previous lovers, I may be the heartbreaker

To my dragonboat mates, I'm always the anti-social one
To my classmates, I'm always the questioner
To people who do not know me, I’m always the arrogant person

To all, I’m what you shape me to be what I’m today

Sound like a funeral speech, maybe one of these days, someone will read it out for me…

Happy

2007-11-13T13:06:38Z

Something to be happy about today, an email was forward to me by my corporate communication.

It was from the organizer of the charity event, she was deeply impressed by me for coaxing the autistic child to watch the movie last Friday, and would like to ‘interview’ (answering of two questions) me and it will be published in their newsletter and website.

Hehe… first time in life being interview for a good cause..

Some Kind Of Wonderful

2007-11-12T16:07:31Z

All you have to do is touch my hand
To show me that you understand
And something happens to me
That's some kind of wonderful
Anytime my little world turns blue
I just have to look at you
Everything seems to be some kind of wonderful

I know I can't express this feeling of tenderness
There's so much I wanna say
But the right words just don't come my way
I just know when I'm in your embrace
This world is a happy place
And something happens to me
That's some kind of wonderful

Weird...

2007-11-11T15:46:38Z

Today went for my elder “monster” nursery graduation with mum, sister and little “monster”. (Brother-in-law is overseas), I was quite amazed by the children, which they were able to memorize every words except for my “monster” (he was only doing performance).

Didn’t stay for the buffet, as it was crowded with hungry parents and “monsters” screaming around plus I was not feeling well again.

I think have heat exhaustion on Friday, and didn’t really take care of myself after that. The whole weekend was spent resting, I even gave up going out clubbing on Saturday night!

Unusual isn’t it?

Enjoyable Day

2007-11-09T15:04:01Z

Volunteer my services to the charity lunch, movie and game organized by my company for the children with intelligence disabilities from Chao Yang & Katong School today.

Initially, I was worried, as I don’t have much experience dealing with children with special needs. Man!.. I was breaking cold sweat under the hot weather and palms were getting sweaty as well, however, all my unnecessary worries vanished when they appeared around 12.30pm in two buses. They are just like normal children but with special needs, no worries.

So we proceeded to Carl Jr. and Long John Silver for lunch at Vivo City, it was great, serving them drinks, cutting the foods into small pieces for them, talk to them and get to know them. It was a session to get to know them better.

After lunch, we proceeded to our movie, “Bee”, while everyone was getting seated, I noticed that a boy with a teacher standing outside the door while on my way out to make a few phone calls and sneaking away for a smoke.

The boy just refused to enter the cinema, as he is afraid of the dark, and from the teacher. He has ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder), one of the fear is dark places. The teacher tried many ways, the soft approach and almost the hard approach but he just refused to give in. So I tried my innovative way!

I placed my drink bottle on the floor, slowly coaching him to stand near the bottle I placed, and we were making progress of reaching the cinema door. However, he still refused to go in. And the teacher just gave up by saying that she will call his father to pick him up. And they walked to the resting sofa and sit there.

I don’t know what got into me and I just refused to give up, so I approached him again, this time, he hold on to my hands and we walked to the door of the cinema. But he still refused to go in as it was almost dark in there. Again I was using the bottle method, placing on the floor, slowly and slowly, he walked into the cinema, slowly and slowly, steps by steps, he finally see half of the big screen and finally he was so braved that he was standing inside watching the movie. After a while, we encouraged him to sit by the staircase where is light and he actually did! My company people were saying how good I was and I can see that the teachers are also amazed of my patience! Haha felt so accomplished.

Right after the movie, we went to the playground located at the second floor. I was quite disgusted with some parents when they saw we approaching, they simply just called their children back and went off. (Idiots!) And some males staff from my company, idiots as well, asked to be volunteers should be playing with them under the sun not standing under the shades!

I basically don’t care, went out to play with them like a big kid! (Suffering from heat exhaustion plus headache in the evening).

Towards the end, I was like a star! Was requested to take photo with the boy I coached, by the teachers and their organizer. The organizer even told me that if I ever want to change job, join as a teacher with them! Hmmm… Maybe that’s my calling… hehe…

It sure was a enjoyable day.

Disappointing Sunday

2007-11-04T16:00:27Z

Finally, the River Regatta race come to an end, for the last two months of hard trainings, I guess I didn’t get to play a role much on Saturday, only did the 20 men boat race and got into the final on Sunday.

I was feeling disappointed with the team management, the list of rowers that going to participate on Sunday, I presumed that it was already known on Saturday. However, we were told to assemble at 7.30am, only then I realised that a few newbie and myself were not included for the 20 men boat race!

I was being positive that maybe they will put us on the 10 men boat race (Team A), sadly none did happened and 1^st race we lost. The situation wouldn’t be that bad if they just let us go. No!, was told to go for lunch and come back 2 hours later.

The DIVA, did a salesman talks, informing that there might be change of rowers in the 2^nd race (10 men boat, Team B) and requested us to stay back and waited again!

In the end, Team B was all the seniors!

Well talked about “just go and enjoy the fun”!? Where is the fun? Waiting to be disappointed again and again, or looking after the belongings? No!, maybe watching those nice bodies rowers?

I mean if you require, moral support, I have no doubt will go down to support the team but asking me to wake up early in the morning like 5am and sit down there with that “Super Loud” attire*… I guess not!!!

* (Was given a bright yellow jersey with super high cutting white shorts by the side, with Bad English on the back of the jersey. “You never row alone”)

That’s it, if there are other companies or association opening for the rowing next year, probably I will join, if not I will still continue with this team but will not signed up for any stupid competition next year.

Thanks got apoptosis_x accompanying me!

Ah beng look

2007-10-31T14:53:54Z

With a new hair cut, I look like ah beng.. haha

What if?

2007-10-29T15:54:49Z

It seems that news has already spread, even those ex-tenants that has vacated called me in the office to confirm the authenticity of it. I can only hold the tears back, when they told me that he was really a hardworking and polite person, which I have no doubt on it.

When I was walking around the building alone, its like looking back memories, I have talk to him here and there. It’s kind of depressing...

What if I was there on the fatal day, not as in I could save him on the spot, but maybe that couple of minutes will make a different ending… I guess I still can’t accept the reality well...

Lyrics from “In the arm of an angel”

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance

For the break that will make it ok

There's always some reason to feel not good enough

And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction oh beautiful release

Memories seep from my veins

They may be empty and weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here

From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn

There's vultures and thieves at your back

The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies

That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference, escaping one last time

It's easier to believe

In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness

That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here

From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie

In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here